Not a good sign, dude. And did you know the Romans (they came after the Greeks, George) wouldn't put anyone in office unless they saw the good sign? It's true. There had to be good omens or they wouldn't go ahead with it. That's where the word inaugurate (in-AH-guh-rate) comes from, did you know that? It comes from the Latin. (No, George, this Latin has nothing to do with Ricky Martin or Linda Chavez. It's the language the Romans spoke. Yeah, I know they call it Latin America, but they don't speak Latin down there, believe me.)

As I was saying, inaugurate comes from the Latin word augere, which refers to the practice of foretelling the future by the flight of birds. (George, will you please stop make those pow!-pow!-pow! noises. No, they couldn't shoot grouse back then because they didn't have guns. Trust me. Well, see, they didn't have a lot of things back then. They didn't have cell phones or palm pilots or electric crock pots in Roman times, either, because they didn't have electricity. How did they execute people back then if they didn't have electricity? Listen, Dubya, maybe we should talk a little history sometime, especially if you're gonna be pushing the education thing.)

Oh yeah, here's something I've been meaning to ask you. In your inaugural speech you were harping on the "I'm a uniter" thing again. I mean, how does this work, exactly? Right there on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, you put through a bill that makes it illegal to tell anybody outside the United States how babies are born. Listen, I know you wanna go back to the good old days, but—believe me—the stork thing ain't gonna fly, babe. Not in Ecuador, not in Pango Pango.

And, if you're such a uniter like you say, why are you proposing all these far-right dudes and dudettes for your cabinet? Yeah, I heard about that. Wasn't John Ashcroft's confirmation-hearing conversion from hanging judge to mealy-mouthed liberalism something, though? That was as good as the time Clarence Thomas said he'd never discussed abortion with anyone... ever. It's the way to get confirmed these days: lie right to their face and dare 'em to do something about it. And don't forget to choose someone young and inexperienced, someone with no paper trail, someone who will be on the Supreme Court forever. And how about that Gail Norton, eh? One week she's telling us, "If it's your own back yard, you can dump anything you damn well please in it," and the next week she's the Green Party poster girl, getting all teary-eyed about the darter snail. I tell you, it's amazing what dangling a cabinet post under someone's nose will do. It'll make their noses grow, that's what it'll do. Next time you run into Ashcroft or whatshername, check 'em out.

Problem is, if you put up these flaming right wingers to appease the flaming right wing, aren't their noses gonna be a little out of joint hearing your nominees deny everything they formerly stood for? Oh yeah, I get it—they know it's just an act. That's a pretty neat trick, George. Where'd you learn that one, from your dad? As long as you don't actually say "read my lips" you'll be fine. But, wait a minute, I thought this was going to be the morally-fibered administration where even the suspicion of wrong-doing was not permissible. Ah, nevermind.... Probably went the way of "Trust the People," eh?

Listen, one more thing. I gotta warn you about that Wascally Wabbit. Yeah, I'm talking about Bill. If you think he's gonna fade away, you've got another thing coming. Just when you figure you've dispatched him with another fine product from Acme Industries, that darn roadrunner'll pop up in your face going beep!-beep! As to what he'll do after he's left office, that's anybody's guess. He could start a band—he was the first rock 'n' roll president, after all. How about Bill Clinton and the Whitewater Rafters?

You don't dance, you don't play the saxophone (I'll refrain from telling you what the expression "make like a saxophone" means in Turkish), so Bill's gonna be a hard act to follow, White House-wise. I mean the guy really knew how to have a good time. I know, I know Republicans aren't the fun party—it's the party that wants to stop other people from having too much fun, actually. How would you guys have time for fun, anyway, what with planning all those hostile takeovers and figuring out how to do your employees out of their pensions? Take it easy, George, jeez! You know I'm just messin' with you. Say what? Well, sure, I know that is considered fun in some quarters, but, take my word for it, downsizing isn't exactly the first thing that most of us think of when we wanna have a good time.

Even if you're not going to go all out in the fun department, you gotta look like you're having fun. The 'nawgrashun, for instance. You looked, if you don't mind me saying so, a little like Stalin reviewing the Red Army march-by from Lenin's tomb. Okay, so you got the Presidential Look down—sorta—but you gotta vary it a bit, George. You're starting to look like that waxwork they got of you over at MSNBC.

And, hey, you're the Prez, dude—you showed all them negativizers who said you weren't smart enough to be President, said you couldn't talk right and had a rotten record in Texas. Remember, you're The Man now. You won the big stuffed bunny at the State Fair, and I think it's just about time for you to go for it. Re-instate the Smirk, why don't you? Make like James Dean in Giant and stick it to all them stinkin' sons of Benedicts.