{"id":5658,"date":"2013-06-25T01:00:18","date_gmt":"2013-06-25T05:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gadflyonline.com\/home\/?p=5658"},"modified":"2013-06-25T10:49:11","modified_gmt":"2013-06-25T14:49:11","slug":"recipe-for-disaster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/recipe-for-disaster\/","title":{"rendered":"Recipe for Disaster"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Recipe_585x585\"<\/a><\/p>\n

a recipe for disaster<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

step 1. stay here beside me<\/p>\n

variation: let me go<\/p>\n

step 2. tell me what to do<\/p>\n

variation: watch me sideswipe the mailbox as i lose control<\/p>\n

step 3. wrap my bandages<\/p>\n

variation: lay me bleeding in the gutter in front of your house<\/p>\n

step 4. wield your honesty like a knife that will drain me<\/p>\n

variation: soothe me with lies<\/p>\n

step 5. sit beside me slip the butter in my breakfast<\/p>\n

variation: close your eyes as i pour your patience out in a parking lot somewhere<\/p>\n

step 6. cut me off from all the bullshit i\u2019ve been telling<\/p>\n

variation: leave the razors in the bathroom beside the soap<\/p>\n

step 7. break down the door if i don\u2019t answer<\/p>\n

variation: believe me when i tell you let me go<\/p>\n

step 8. it\u2019s broiling in here get me out god get me out of here<\/p>\n

variation: believe me when i tell you let me go<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

after baking: well shit i think i\u2019ve lost the metaphor<\/p>\n

serving size: i\u2019d rather not think about it right now<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

step 9. go ahead go on go<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

let me go<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

fixation<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

the open drawer mocks me<\/p>\n

jutting out from the smooth surface of the dresser<\/p>\n

like the fat bottom lip of a petulant child<\/p>\n

perverting the perfect symmetry of my ikea rectangles<\/p>\n

with a flash of imperfection that threatens to wreck<\/p>\n

everything<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

this picture prods into my mind and my REM<\/p>\n

it lingers in my un- sub- and consciousness like a parasite<\/p>\n

it dares me to fix the fractures of this<\/p>\n

terribly<\/p>\n

unkempt world<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

to fix the spoon with the mysterious speck of tarnish around the rim<\/p>\n

to fix the closet curtain that flutters with invisible intruders in the darkness<\/p>\n

to fix the fingernail extending ever so slightly beyond the nail bed<\/p>\n

to fix the windowshade suspended a cruel quarter-inch above the sill<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

to fix the softness of my belly that tugs at my abdomen like an uninvited guest<\/p>\n

to fix the redness in my cheeks that writes my embarrasment in neon lights over my head<\/p>\n

to fix the leak that i never meant to unplug in my parents\u2019 savings account<\/p>\n

to fix the words that still come out all wrong and wreck<\/p>\n

everything<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

it\u2019s all so messy<\/p>\n

in the thick of my thankless fixation<\/p>\n

fixing the multiplying fractures of this terribly unkempt world<\/p>\n

a world that taunts me with my reflection in the bead of saliva on a chewed-up straw<\/p>\n

a world that strings along my anxieties like farces<\/p>\n

for normal people to snicker at<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

but still i strain to be spicker<\/p>\n

i strain to be spanner<\/p>\n

i strain to be slimmer and smoother and smarter<\/p>\n

and i will rub the soap into my skin until it bleeds if it will make me clean<\/p>\n

and i will stumble out of bed to shut the open drawer if it means i can<\/p>\n

finally<\/p>\n

get some sleep<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

summer<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

summer<\/p>\n

i thought the city lights would<\/p>\n

wrap their beaming arms around me<\/p>\n

in a warm embrace of smog that could<\/p>\n

smother my loneliness<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

i thought i would<\/p>\n

never be lonely again<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

to look out upon the vast<\/p>\n

vastness<\/p>\n

of philadelphia<\/p>\n

against a black sky<\/p>\n

to be surrounded by the sounds of<\/p>\n

screeches and honks in the night<\/p>\n

i thought the noise and the<\/p>\n

body heat of strangers in the subway could<\/p>\n

fill for a little while<\/p>\n

the empty parts inside me<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

i thought the lights would<\/p>\n

save me<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

but they only leave me lonelier<\/p>\n

lost and<\/p>\n

swallowed up by the sweating crowds<\/p>\n

of downtown<\/p>\n

bright loud<\/p>\n

summer<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

—<\/p>\n

Hannah White is a senior history major at the University of Pennsylvania. She works as a program assistant and archivist at the Kelly Writers House, in Philadelphia, and is currently interning at the University of Pennsylvania Press. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Sensible Nonsense Project, Cleaver Magazine, and The Birch Journal.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

step 1. stay here beside me<\/p>\n

variation: let me go<\/p>\n

step 2. tell me what to do<\/p>\n

variation: watch me sideswipe the mailbox as i lose control<\/p>\n

step 3. wrap my bandages<\/p>\n

variation: lay me bleeding in the gutter in front of your house<\/p>\n

step 4. wield your honesty like a knife that will drain me<\/p>\n

variation: soothe me with lies<\/p>\n

READ MORE<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":153,"featured_media":5746,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,218,219,199],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5658"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/153"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5658"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5658\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5754,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5658\/revisions\/5754"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5746"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5658"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5658"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5658"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}