{"id":7389,"date":"2014-10-03T08:29:32","date_gmt":"2014-10-03T12:29:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gadflyonline.com\/home\/?p=7389"},"modified":"2014-10-10T10:51:23","modified_gmt":"2014-10-10T14:51:23","slug":"my-short-time-as-a-babysitter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/my-short-time-as-a-babysitter\/","title":{"rendered":"My Short Time as a Babysitter"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"babsit\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I hate children. I think children are annoying little creatures who excel at getting adults into trouble.<\/p>\n

I used to be a child, but that was a long time ago.<\/p>\n

I once had my arm twisted by my friend to baby sit her kid for a night while she went off to a Neil Diamond concert with her partner. I never took up such an occupation before in my life but I foolishly decided to give it a go.<\/p>\n

Now this little kid I had to baby sit was verging on his fifth birthday and I really did not want to stay up and talk toddler gibberish with him all night so I decided to put him to bed.<\/p>\n

My idea was to open a six pack and watch some late night comedy central while he was away in dream land, but a set back occurred, the little shit wanted me to read him a bed time story.<\/p>\n

Now I don\u2019t particularly like reading anything that\u2019s not on the back of a tinned can of soup or in the TV guide, but the little bastard insisted I read him a bed time story or else he wouldn\u2019t go to sleep.<\/p>\n

What else could I do but read a fucking bed time story!<\/p>\n

I had a six pack of Coors light waiting for me and them mountains weren\u2019t going to stay blue for much longer so I asked him what story he would like me to read and he produced a book of old fairy tales, you know the stories full of mermaids, witches and all that shit.<\/p>\n

He asked me to read him Little Red Riding Hood, and this is where the night got interesting both for me and the kid I was babysitting because I decided to tell the tale of Red Riding Hood in 21st century mode.<\/p>\n

I ignored the words on the page and began telling the story my way. I began by stating how Red Riding Hood was hiding out in the woods because she was wanted in connection with the triple murder of the Billy goats gruff.<\/p>\n

I went on to describe how she had a grandma who lived alone somewhere in the woods where she grew pot and was one of the biggest suppliers of weed in the state of Fairyland.<\/p>\n

I went on to tell how Red Riding Hood had spent weeks in the woods searching for her grandmother just so she could organise a safe passage to South America for her. I then I got questioned on the whereabouts of the wolf.<\/p>\n

I got so carried away with building a criminal record for Red Riding Hood and her grandma that I had forgotten there was a fucking wolf in the story!<\/p>\n

So I had to reel the wolf into the tale somehow and so I told how Red Riding Hood saw the wolf in the woods crouched behind a big rock. I described how Red Riding Hood approached him and bluntly remarked on what big eyes he had, but the wolf jumped up and ran away.<\/p>\n

I went on to tell how Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched behind a tree. When she went up to him and said what big teeth he had, he jumped up again but this time he let out roar at Red Riding Hood,<\/p>\n

\u2018Will you ever fuck off I am trying to have a shit here!\u2019<\/p>\n

Then he punched her fucking lights out.<\/p>\n

Before I could tell the kid what Red Riding Hood\u2019s fate was and make up a prequel regarding her past life as a prostitute in Amsterdam along with her cousins Hansel and Gretel, I noticed the little guy I was baby sitting had fallen asleep.<\/p>\n

So I went and spent the night on the couch with my six pack of beer and some comedy central, very satisfied with my babysitting abilities.<\/p>\n

Well I thought all had gone well until the next day when I got an angry phone call from my friend, the kid\u2019s mother, who wanted to know why her toddler was talking about an old woman growing weed in the woods, a young girl wanted for the triple murder of goats and a wolf who gets violent when he can\u2019t be left alone to have a shit.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t asked to baby-sit again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

Lily Murphy is from Cork city, Ireland and is the kind of person who<\/span>
gets lost just crossing the street!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I hate children. I think children are annoying little creatures who excel at getting adults into trouble.
\nI used to be a child, but that was a long time ago.
\nI once had my arm twisted by my friend to baby sit her kid for a night while she went off to a Neil Diamond concert with her partner. I never took up such an occupation before in my life but I foolishly decided to give it a go.
\nNow this little kid I had to baby sit was verging on his fifth birthday and I really did not want to stay up and talk toddler gibberish with him all night so I decided to put him to bed.<\/p>\n

READ MORE.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":113,"featured_media":8086,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,200,219,217],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7389"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/113"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7389"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7389\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7883,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7389\/revisions\/7883"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8086"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7389"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7389"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7389"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}