{"id":8563,"date":"2015-01-19T09:00:53","date_gmt":"2015-01-19T14:00:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gadflyonline.com\/home\/?p=8563"},"modified":"2015-01-23T10:04:33","modified_gmt":"2015-01-23T15:04:33","slug":"cadillac-brightnesscontrast-and-other-poems","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/cadillac-brightnesscontrast-and-other-poems\/","title":{"rendered":"Cadillac, Brightness\/contrast, and Other Poems"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"contrast\"<\/a><\/h3>\n

Cadillac<\/h3>\n

When I first saw you, you were
\na half-erased sketch
\nin a wheelchair that could have
\nfit your thighs four times over.
\nThe smudges of charcoal wavered in a
\ngaseous cloud
\nalong the outline of your veins.<\/p>\n

When the lab man crept in to capture
\nvials of our blood
\nhe used the butterfly needle for you,
\nbutterflies for all of us.
\nWe were fragile like that.<\/p>\n

You called it your Cadillac,
\nthe wheelchair,
\nbecause even our dust bowls had
\na sense of humor
\n(dry).<\/p>\n

At the head of the lunch table you said
\nyou felt safe here
\nfor the first time
\nas you sipped your styrofoam cup of
\ncreamered coffee through a straw.<\/p>\n

When you got frustrated at your body
\nstill ephemeral after all these days
\nI could see impatience burning in your eyes.
\nYou moved too fast and you
\ntripped
\na jumble of bones and tendons and
\nbeating heart
\npalms flat to the floor of our distortions.
\nWe were fragile like that.<\/p>\n

But\u2014
\nget up, get up,
\nsomeday there will be butterflies for all of us.
\nSomeday I will also drink hot caloric beverages in
\nsytrofoam cups through a straw
\nand when the dust cloud clears
\nthe Cadillac door will slam shut and you\u2019ll feel
\nsafe
\nright here
\nright here
\nright here.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Brightness\/contrast<\/h3>\n

Grainy on the projector screen in the
\nactivity room of the nursing home,
\nher photographic memory is fading into
\nsepia tones. They tell the story of
\ntea bags steeped in water poured on crumpled paper stained into
\nelementary-school antiques,
\nand yet
\nthis memory dried to
\ncrusty dark-veined brown all on its own.
\nBut who needs accuracy?
\nWho needs natural light anyway?
\nNot in the artificially glowing hallways of death\u2019s waiting room.<\/p>\n

She fills in the empty pixels with charcoal sketches
\nbetter than the real thing ever was and
\nshe colors them in later with rounded edges and
\nrosy cheeks
\njust like old-time movies and portraits
\nof her sister on her wedding day.
\nShe adds shadow to the places she took the long way
\nthrough that town to avoid.
\nShe adds brightness to the years that blur together into
\nmelancholy,
\ntugging.<\/p>\n

She is the Instagram of rememberers,
\nshe is the animator of her own two-dimensional life and
\nnow the Polaroids she never could burn for
\nfifty years
\nare obscured,
\na real fixer-upper
\nfor an artist with an editor\u2019s eye.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Chapped Lips<\/h3>\n

I am the sassy one I am the snarky one I am the one with the wit wound up warm in my cheek I am the incubator of careless crass commentary I am the one with the attitude underneath the meek persona of my first impression silent and stressed and dull I am not dull I am deadpan and duty-free heaving hot air on the chance it might mean something and I don\u2019t buy in to your cool calculations your continual quest for the world\u2019s validation because I have no patience for that I\u2019m disdainful I\u2019ll make you painfully aware of the failings of your affectations and I do it so well I do it all so so so so well that now<\/p>\n

wait
\nrip the layers of chapped lip from my smile<\/p>\n

experience the wallowing hollow raw wound for a while because I\u2019m scared and distrustful I look side-eyed at God and I\u2019m colonized by foreign folds of flesh on my body I\u2019m jealous I\u2019m mean I\u2019m vindictive I\u2019m petty I will never be clean I will never ever be pretty I spend my days expending energy fighting off this skin it\u2019s a weight on my chest that I hate more than anything so touch my lumpy stomach and smell my unwashed limbs I\u2019ve tattooed jokes across my spine just to remind me how I taught myself to swim.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Interruption<\/h3>\n

cold night, foggy glass, clouds on windows condensating from the lips of muted voices on the other side the other side the brittle panes that separate you and me and you and me and you and me the separation of the hero and the other the Other with a capital O let\u2019s talk Said let\u2019s talk the things we used to say and said before the foggy cold clouds windows night glass condensation muted voices on the other side the other side the other<\/p>\n

[interruption] but anyway i was going to<\/p>\n

[counter-interruption] isn\u2019t it selfish insensitive invalidating to let your loud laughter overwhelm the tentative commentary of the more timid other (Other) isn\u2019t that kind of a little bit insensitive invalidating a little bit dis<\/p>\n

[counter] but when i know where you\u2019re going what\u2019s the<\/p>\n

[counter] it\u2019s the person, not the point, don\u2019t you<\/p>\n

[counter] but you\u2019re talking in circles and it makes me a little bit bored actually pretty fucking frustrated can\u2019t we just establish The goddamn fucking Point and move on to what\u2019s<\/p>\n

[counter] you\u2019re doing it again<\/p>\n

what?<\/p>\n

[answer] i love you but you alienate everybody who loves you you talk over the feelings of friends with less vocal aggression you<\/p>\n

[interruption] fuck<\/p>\n

[counter] don\u2019t<\/p>\n

[counter] i guess i\u2019m like SORRY<\/p>\n

[counter] let\u2019s just start again can i start again? let me start a<\/p>\n

[counter] tbh i think i no longer have a stake in<\/p>\n

cold night foggy glass clouds on windows condensating from the lips of muted voices on the other side the other side the other<\/p>\n

[interruption] side<\/p>\n

[counter-interruption] fuck<\/p>\n

what?<\/p>\n

i love you but<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

Hannah White graduated from the University of Pennsylvania in 2014. She is currently a contributing writer at Adios Barbie, a Kelly Writers House Junior Fellow, and an MFA student at Temple University, where she edits TINGE Magazine. Her work has appeared in Word Riot, Cleaver Magazine, Gadfly Online, Thickjam, Apiary Online, and elsewhere.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I first saw you, you were
\na half-erased sketch
\nin a wheelchair that could have
\nfit your thighs four times over.
\nThe smudges of charcoal wavered in a
\ngaseous cloud
\nalong the outline of your veins.<\/p>\n

READ MORE.<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":153,"featured_media":8756,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,219,199,217],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8563"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/153"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8563"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8563\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8757,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8563\/revisions\/8757"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8756"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8563"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8563"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/gadflyonline.com\/home\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8563"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}