\u201cWhat if he asks?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll say it\u2019s so we can be in a cabin instead of having to be in different barracks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDanny, you\u2019re insane. You\u2019re out of your mind, you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n
If I knew English better, Tami thought later on, I could try to dig up that song that Danny was singing about how the guy\u2026 \u201cheld a knife against her breast as into his arms she pressed\u2026.\u201d He loves her and she loves him, but for reasons the song doesn\u2019t go into, \u201cshe would\u2026 not be his bride\u201d so he does her in. It makes no sense what Danny wants me\u2026 wants us to do. Danny, \u201cplease\u2026 don\u2019t murder me. I\u2019m not prepared\u2026 for e-ter-ni-tee\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what do you plan to do afterwards, the two of you?\u201d Colonel Baran put the question to Danny when Danny broached the subject after Danny had begged a moment of the Colonel\u2019s time.<\/p>\n
\u201cFinish up here. Then maybe go to the university,\u201d Danny said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd your parents?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mom\u2019s abroad. Hers are\u2026\u201d Danny made a gesture to indicate that Tami and her parents weren\u2019t on the best of terms.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd Major Damon? Will he approve?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI expect so. \u2018Dulce et decorum est.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I can\u2019t see any good reason not to.\u201d<\/p>\n
Danny ran to find Tami.<\/p>\n
“So long as it\u2019s the only way for you to get out and it doesn\u2019t count for anything else.”<\/p>\n
In a fresh shirt and skirt, Tami paused in the lavatory before leaving the barracks. She pulled her hair back, twisted it up, swooped an elastic band around it and ran some chapstick around her lips for want of a tube of lipstick. Then she gazed in the mirror. Where did<\/em> those blue eyes come from? Some Cossack probably. \u201cAnd mother,\u201d she\u2019d once asked, \u201cwhy did you name me Tamar? You must\u2019ve known who Tamar was. In the Bible.\u201d To which her mother had replied, a bit frostily, \u201cdaughter, don\u2019t push me.\u201d<\/p>\n Doing a favor for someone I can help if it won\u2019t come back to bite me. Has he ever done it with anybody? Some girls say it hurts the first time. Some girls say you\u2019re so turned on, you won\u2019t notice if it hurts.<\/p>\n Colonel Baran said a few things that Tami sort of heard, but her heart was racing and she wasn\u2019t really paying attention.<\/p>\n Then the Colonel started off, \u201cDo you, Danny\u2026\u201d and then it was Tami\u2019s turn.<\/p>\n Though Tami tried to concentrate, something odd was happening with time and space, in her head and in the room. Things lengthened and got stretchy and then slowed way down and seemed a trifle swirly, and it was almost as though she saw herself standing in the corner watching what was going on from across the room. She heard words like \u201cricher\u2026 poorer\u2026 better\u2026 worse\u2026 sickness\u2026 health\u2026 this day forward\u2026 to thee do I pledge\u2026\u201d It was all a jumble that\u00a0in the end, she\u2019d said yes to, and then she felt something cool and golden sliding onto her finger, a brass flange from an electric light fixture in the front hallway of the barracks, and then it was over and the weirdness slowly wore off like a dab of scent behind an ear slowly wearing off.<\/p>\n \u201cYou may kiss the bride,\u201d said a genial voice.<\/p>\n Danny gave Tami a peck on the lips. Tami didn\u2019t peck back, not because she didn\u2019t want to but because it was all so weird, and,<\/span> because it was all so weird, she was sorry to have missed out on their first kiss.<\/p>\n On the way out, Danny took Tami\u2019s hand and said thank you very, very much.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat should I do with this?\u201d Tami slipped the brass flange off her finger.<\/p>\n \u201cGive it here. I\u2019ll stick it back,\u201d Danny put the flange in his pocket. \u201cSee you at dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d Tami sighed.<\/p>\n Danny said thank you again and drifted away.<\/p>\n Tamar had a husband who died and left her childless. It was up to Onan, Tamar\u2019s father-in-law, to do his deceased son\u2019s duty. But Tamar, being Onan\u2019s daughter-in-law, was too close for comfort. So, at the last instant, Onan pulled out and \u201cspilled his seed on the ground.\u201d Then Onan moved away. Tamar went chasing after him. When she caught up with Onan at a local shrine, she disguised herself as a ritual prostitute. Not recognizing Tamar, Onan took his pleasure of her, leaving her with child. Then, when Tamar showed up at Onan\u2019s new place, dressed as herself and big in the belly, Onan commanded that Tamar be put to death as a fornicator. But Tamar revealed to Onan, by means of a stratagem she\u2019d cooked up beforehand, that he was the father of the child-to-be, whereupon Onan called the death sentence off and took Tamar as his wife.<\/p>\n When Danny went looking for Tami after dinner\u2014Tami had skipped dinner\u2014Tami wouldn\u2019t look at him or talk to him. Nor would she have anything to do with him the next day or the next.<\/p>\n Finally, the next day, Danny caught up with her. \u201cWhy\u2019re you mad at me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not mad,\u201d Tami looked away. \u201cI\u2019m just sad and ash\u2026 Just go away, okay? Just\u2026 please, go off to Florence or someplace.\u201d<\/p>\n She would not relent.<\/p>\n Danny mailed his request to be re-assigned to the reserves. The office sent a form back saying that Danny\u2019s request would be put it in the queue.<\/p>\n It\u2019s meant to be your biggest day. Your dad, supposing he shows up, walks you down the aisle. You\u2019re in a white gown and a veil followed by a train and a flower girl. You toss the bouquet to whichever bridesmaid you hope will be next. Then the bride cuts the cake. The groom cuts the cake. Hi ho the derry-o\u2026 Then\u00a0handfuls of rice get flung at you as you dash<\/span>, hand in hand, down the red carpeting, to the waiting limo.<\/p>\n Which could still happen, as it\u2019s only official for military purposes. But it wouldn\u2019t be the same. It couldn\u2019t be the same.<\/p>\n And there was something else, something akin to \u201cspilling one\u2019s seed on the ground,\u201d something about not doing something the way it should be done if it\u2019s going to be done. And now the daily grind \u2014 beefing up the shelters, packing crates in the warehouse \u2014 began to chafe: discontent, like a wormy apple of too poor a grade to be shipped to market, retained for domestic consumption.<\/p>\n Mother, you gave me your eyes. What I need now is your heart.<\/p>\n Once the anatomy of the thing became clear, organs and limbs began to fall into place, like her habit of overriding herself so as not to displease others. Now when Tami passed Danny on the quad, she was curt and mildly hostile if Danny tried to approach her.<\/p>\n One night, the hillside crackled. As it wasn\u2019t fireworks on display, there could be only one thing that crackled like that. The next night there was more crackling. Then a convoy came, bringing stores of food, fuel, clothing and hardware, as patrols kept watch on the roads.<\/p>\n A night or two later, one of the jeeps came roaring into the settlement and screeched to a stop at the infirmary. There\u2019d been a firefight, the first in recent memory, and Eitan had been shot. Not seriously but the enemy, better armed, was growing bolder.<\/p>\n A notice came for Danny. Transfers to the reserves were being put on hold. Everyone was to stay at his or her posts.<\/p>\n Then came the night of the first siren. An ambulance with the inverted blue triangles on the doors came steaming into the settlement. The EMTs hauled three stretchers to the back. Nurses hung bulbous packets of plasma on metal IV stands and stuck the needles in.<\/p>\n The enemy had struck hard, dishing out the first casualties in this neck of these hotly contested woods.<\/p>\n Major Damon raced to the barracks. \u201cTami, come. Quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m lugging stuff to the shelters,\u201d Tami said, her arms full.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s Danny.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDanny?\u201d Tami blanched.<\/p>\n \u201cDanny\u2019s been hit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOhh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHurry. There may not be much time.\u201d<\/p>\n Does Major Damon know? Colonel Baran must have told him.<\/p>\n \u201cBut it was only make believe,\u201d Tami stammered.<\/p>\n \u201cTami, now.\u201d<\/p>\n The triage unit had several cots, each one in a cubicle divided by curtains that slid on rods. Three of the cots were occupied. Danny, on one of them, was on life support. The other two no longer needed life support.<\/p>\n Tami went to stand beside Danny\u2019s cot. Mounds of hastily applied gauze stanched body fluids draining from open gashes.<\/p>\n \u201cCan he hear me?\u201d<\/p>\n The nurse, busy, mumbled something and moved away.<\/p>\n \u201cDanny, it\u2019s me.\u201d<\/p>\n Then, not knowing what else to do, Tami took Danny\u2019s hand.<\/p>\n \u201cIs he going to make it?\u201d Tami said to the busy nurse as she scurried by.<\/p>\n The nurse muttered something to indicate that she was, indeed, busy.<\/p>\n \u201cIs he going to make it?!\u201d Tami shouted.<\/p>\n \u201cKeep your voice down. There\u2019s wounded in here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI want to know if he\u2019s going to make it!\u201d Tami seethed.<\/p>\n \u201cProbably not,\u201d the nurse said. \u201cWould you mind steeping outside? We need the space.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m his wife. I\u2019m not leaving him.\u201d<\/p>\n What did I just say?!<\/p>\n \u201cThen pull up a stool and try not to be in the way.\u201d<\/p>\n Tami gazed at Danny\u2019s face, which, thankfully, maybe on account of the sedation, wasn\u2019t contorted. He hasn\u2019t got a beard or a moustache. His face is delicate, not very manly, now that I\u2019m looking at it. His eyes are his best feature, though they\u2019re only blank slits now. It must\u2019ve been a mortar attack. Those things can rip you apart. He\u2019s so calm. Not even breathing.<\/p>\n \u201cDanny, I didn\u2019t mean to put you off. I was feeling overwhelmed. I guess if it was going to be \u2013 you and me, I mean \u2013 I was wishing there might\u2019ve been time for us to go from fifteen love, volley by volley, to match point before doing\u2026 what we did. \u2018Cause I think\u2026\u201d tears were starting to come\u2026 \u201cif we\u2019d\u2019ve had time, I could have grown to love you.\u201d And having said that she thought she could have, she knew, inside, that she could have, and the tears really came.<\/p>\n So calm. Not even breathing\u2026. Wait. Something\u2019s wrong. Nurse!<\/p>\n The nurse came running. Ear to mouth. Pulse. Hands groping under the sheet. Eyes on the flat-lined monitor. The nurse shook her head and looked\u00a0sadly, at Tami. I\u2019m sorry\u2026<\/p>\n No way! It\u2019s not possible. People don\u2019t just\u2026 not like that. They struggle. They put up a fight. They pledge their\u2026 whatever that thing was that I pledged.<\/p>\n The nurse swung the curtain shut, leaving Tami to gaze at Danny. Tami reached for Danny\u2019s hand. He\u2019ll never get to Florence. He\u2019ll never walk out on the Ponte whatever-it-is. He\u2019ll never get to see\u2026 and then, with a roar of grief unlike anything she\u2019d felt before, another life becoming, in the moment, the measure of her own, Tami cried out, not caring who might hear and unable to stop herself, \u201cHe\u2019ll never get to see boats and trees in a way that would really let him see them!\u201d And then, with the awareness striking home that Danny\u2019s dream would never come true, Tami wept, loud and unrestrained, as though she herself might never see a boat or a tree or anything like them ever again. \u201cOh, Danny, you should have been a leaf on a tree of beauty. You should have been a sail on a boat of wonder. And, like my namesake in the Bible, I would have run like the wind, in my harlot\u2019s dress of gray shirt, gray skirt, gray socks and gray Keds, in the hope of catching up with you!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGive her a minute,\u201d Major Damon, on the other side of the curtain, said to the doc who wanted Danny moved to free up space for one of the other casualties that the head set on the radio said was on its way in. \u201cThey were newlyweds.\u201d<\/p>\n For the next few weeks, as the border heated up and the weather cooled down, Tami kept to herself. Meanwhile, Danny\u2019s mom and Ron arrived home to receive the urn that held Danny\u2019s ashes.<\/p>\n At length, Tami went to call on Major Damon.<\/p>\n \u201cThe inscription on the statue you took us to see,\u201d Tami said. \u201cYou said it in Latin. \u2018Dulce et decorum est\u2026\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2018Pro patria mori.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n The Major was a rugged man with a face free of non-essentials.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat does it mean? And what\u2019s a griffin?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe phrase expresses a patriotic ideal. It\u2019s from Horace, a Latin poet. A griffin is a visual representation of that ideal.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt doesn\u2019t make sense though.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe ideal, its representation or both?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat I did. What I agreed to do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDanny wanted out. You were a means to that end.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know, and I wanted to help. But I told the nurse I was his wife.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I meant it when I said it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDanny was in extremis. You were wrought up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhich is why I\u2019m sure I meant it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve a long life ahead of you,\u201d Major Damon scrutinized Tami, \u201cthat is, such length as those who belong to a people like ours might hope to have. As far as the law goes, where there\u2019s no intent, there\u2019s no binding agreement. You\u2019re as free as\u2026 as the apples hauled in from the orchard to be sorted into their crates. Help yourself to as many as you like. It will save the kitchen crew the trouble of lugging the wormy ones to the compost.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou say there\u2019s no binding agreement where there\u2019s no intent,\u201d Tami said. \u201cBut I said things. Things that can\u2019t be unsaid.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWithout meaning them when saying them, words are nonsense syllables, hieroglyphs etched into a monument awaiting translation.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I don\u2019t believe that. Even if I didn\u2019t mean them \u2013 though maybe I did and didn\u2019t know I did \u2013 I said them. And now, in some way, I\u2019m bound by them. And that\u2019s what I don\u2019t understand. In some way that makes no sense, I\u2019m his wife\u2026 his widow.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot in the legal sense. We\u2019re a people of the law. The law is our lifeblood.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy lifeblood is what seeps into my tampon each month,\u201d Tami was shocked to hear herself speaking so bluntly to her commanding officer. \u201cLord knows what my mother will think,\u201d Tami shook her head, \u201cthough maybe she\u2019ll surprise me. Maybe it\u2019s time I\u2026,\u201d Tami looked at Major Damon with a hint of determination, \u201cpushed her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow old are you?\u201d Major Damon looked frankly at Tami.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll be twenty-one in April.\u201d<\/p>\n Major Damon chuckled. \u201cMy younger daughter\u2019s a year shy of you. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, she\u2019s a raging feminist. Male chauvinists, look out!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd on the other days of the week?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShe hugs her teddy in her jammies with the bears and bunnies on them.\u201d<\/p>\n Tami burst out laughing, and with that burst of laughter, a cord of irresolution that was wrapped around her heart began to loosen.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen Isaac was an old man and ready to leave this life,\u201d Major Damon said\u2014\u2026you may recall the tale from your days in Sunday school\u2014his wife, Rebecca, played a trick on him. Esau was the elder twin. Jacob was the younger. Esau had hairy arms. Jacob\u2019s arms were smooth. That\u2019s how their father told them apart, having by then, lost his eyesight. Everything went to the elder in those days. Younger sons stayed on as vassals or went into the army or became priests in our equivalent of the Church.<\/p>\n \u201cJacob was his mother\u2019s favorite. She didn\u2019t care much for Esau. And when Isaac called for Esau to come to him so that Isaac might give Esau his blessing \u2013 bestow his patrimony \u2013 Rebecca had Esau go off and run an errand. Then she took a sheepskin, gave it to Jacob and said, \u2018Drape this over your arms and go in to your father. He\u2019ll think you\u2019re your brother,\u2019 which Jacob did, the little sneak. So when Isaac, to make sure it was Esau who was kneeling before him, said, \u2018Reach out that I may feel your arms,\u2019 Jacob, his arms wrapped in the sheepskin, deceived the old man who then pronounced his blessing on the imposter.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen Esau returned and got wind of the ruse, he flung himself on his father\u2019s lap and begged his father\u2019s blessing, but it was too late. The old man had said the words that couldn\u2019t be unsaid. \u2018Have you nothing left for me, father? Nothing at all?\u2019 \u2018No, my son, I\u2019ve given it all, every jot and tittle.\u2019 They were beside themselves with grief, father and son. But the words had been spoken.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou said we\u2019re a people of the law and that where there\u2019s no intent, there\u2019s no binding agreement,\u201d Tami said. \u201cSo how could they have let that stand?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ll have to take it up with the rabbis,\u201d the Major said. \u201cThey\u2019ve been hashing it out for nigh on to two millennia.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen they\u2019re stupid,\u201d Tami said.<\/p>\n \u201cThe rabbis?\u201d the Major bit back a smile. A young woman all of twenty years old dismissing the collective wisdom of the race with a backward sweep of her hand\u2014the charm and the irresistible insouciance of youth.<\/p>\n \u201cI mean what\u2019s the point of haggling about it,\u201d Tami said, \u201cwhen the answer\u2019s in here where the last word gets spoken.\u201d Tami touched her shirt pocket beneath which perked her braless breast.<\/p>\n Major Damon smiled. \u201cAnd I wish you well as you seek to decipher it.\u201d<\/p>\n During the course of the next few months, Tami blended, without fanfare, into the settlement\u2019s daily round as stalemate on the border ratcheted down to a former sense of urgency.<\/p>\n When Tami\u2019s furlough came up in the spring, she paid a visit to her mother.<\/p>\n \u201cSo you had an affair,\u201d Tami\u2019s mother said when Tami related a condensed version of what had gone on with Danny. \u201cThat\u2019s what army life is for, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot an affair. Not exactly. And I\u2019m still intact as far as that goes.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo whatever it was, it was more imagined than real.\u201d<\/p>\n The details, Tami said, were unimportant. What mattered was that Tami wanted to experience \u2013 and to share \u2013 a stronger bond of intimacy with her mother than had thus far existed between them.<\/p>\n \u201cPerhaps when you\u2019ve earned it,\u201d Tami\u2019s mother said.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, mother,\u201d Tami held her ground, \u201cit\u2019s not a matter of earning it. Maybe that\u2019s the point of the story\u2014that it\u2019s my birthright simply by virtue of being your daughter. I love you. I look up to you. You\u2019ve shaped me in ways I\u2019m probably not aware of and haven\u2019t yet come to appreciate, but I\u2019ll take my sheep and goats and go dwell in the Land of Canaan all my days if you can\u2019t man up and open up to me. And heaven help the shepherd who spills the seed of deception on the ground of my trust.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is what six months in the army has done?\u201d Tami\u2019s mother said, impressed, in spite of herself, with her daughter\u2019s cheek. \u201cSchooled you in the art of issuing ultimatums?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNever mind what six months in the army may or may not have done,\u201d Tami shot back. \u201cI want a mother, not a\u2026 portrait hanging in a gallery at the Uffizi for the tourists in Florence to gawk at before they go to lunch al fresco<\/em> on the piazza.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re asking a lot,\u201d Tami\u2019s mother said.<\/p>\n \u201cA lot? I\u2019m asking for every jot and tittle.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure that\u2019s what you want?\u201d Tami\u2019s mother said. \u201cYou may be in for more than you\u2019ve bargained for.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll handle it,\u201d Tami said with a degree of temerity to which neither she nor her mother had yet borne witness.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve always felt guilty for having driven your father away. For me, it was the right thing, but it deprived you of a father and for that, I\u2019m truly sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou needn\u2019t be,\u201d Tami smiled. \u201cYou did the job of two and never broke service.\u201d<\/p>\n When Tami got back to the settlement, she rustled up a dusty hi-fi turntable. While on leave, she\u2019d stopped at a music emporium where, flipping through the bins, she\u2019d stumbled on an old Joan Baez album. Though Tami\u2019s English was too halting to make much sense of the words, the guitar, the voice, the ambience drew her in.<\/p>\n On a solitary walk along the path behind the warehouse \u2013 no weepin\u2019 knives or weeping eyes, no waters that flowed except in trickles when it rained, no loving arms into which a pristine breast might press \u2013 only, as it happened, a loose lace on one of her running shoes that she bent over to do up, Tami gazed at the surrounding greenery and, in a tone that mimicked the lilt of a folk tune from another time and place, she hummed, \u201cIf ever<\/p>\n I should married be, I\u2019ll still, for love, be true to thee\u2026,\u201d and there\u2019ll be a yummy piece of wedding cake stowed in the freezer, to be wrapped in wax paper uneaten, for all e-ter-ni-tee.<\/p>\n I’m an attorney in Amherst MA where I offer home and alternative school seminars in “Community Economics for Sustainable Living” online at\u00a0<\/span>http:\/\/www.communomics.com<\/a>. This story comes from a time when I was living and working on a border kibbutz in Israel.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cWhat if he asks?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ll say it\u2019s so we can be in a cabin instead of having to be in different barracks.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDanny, you\u2019re insane. You\u2019re out of your mind, you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n If I knew English better, Tami thought later on, I could try to dig up that song that Danny was singing about how the guy\u2026 \u201cheld a knife against her breast as into his arms she pressed\u2026.\u201d He loves her and she loves him, but for reasons the song doesn\u2019t go into, \u201cshe would\u2026 not be his bride\u201d so he does her in. It makes no sense what Danny wants me\u2026 wants us to do. Danny, \u201cplease\u2026 don\u2019t murder me. I\u2019m not prepared\u2026 for e-ter-ni-tee\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\n