a recipe for disaster
step 1. stay here beside me
variation: let me go
step 2. tell me what to do
variation: watch me sideswipe the mailbox as i lose control
step 3. wrap my bandages
variation: lay me bleeding in the gutter in front of your house
step 4. wield your honesty like a knife that will drain me
variation: soothe me with lies
step 5. sit beside me slip the butter in my breakfast
variation: close your eyes as i pour your patience out in a parking lot somewhere
step 6. cut me off from all the bullshit i’ve been telling
variation: leave the razors in the bathroom beside the soap
step 7. break down the door if i don’t answer
variation: believe me when i tell you let me go
step 8. it’s broiling in here get me out god get me out of here
variation: believe me when i tell you let me go
after baking: well shit i think i’ve lost the metaphor
serving size: i’d rather not think about it right now
step 9. go ahead go on go
let me go
fixation
the open drawer mocks me
jutting out from the smooth surface of the dresser
like the fat bottom lip of a petulant child
perverting the perfect symmetry of my ikea rectangles
with a flash of imperfection that threatens to wreck
everything
this picture prods into my mind and my REM
it lingers in my un- sub- and consciousness like a parasite
it dares me to fix the fractures of this
terribly
unkempt world
to fix the spoon with the mysterious speck of tarnish around the rim
to fix the closet curtain that flutters with invisible intruders in the darkness
to fix the fingernail extending ever so slightly beyond the nail bed
to fix the windowshade suspended a cruel quarter-inch above the sill
to fix the softness of my belly that tugs at my abdomen like an uninvited guest
to fix the redness in my cheeks that writes my embarrasment in neon lights over my head
to fix the leak that i never meant to unplug in my parents’ savings account
to fix the words that still come out all wrong and wreck
everything
it’s all so messy
in the thick of my thankless fixation
fixing the multiplying fractures of this terribly unkempt world
a world that taunts me with my reflection in the bead of saliva on a chewed-up straw
a world that strings along my anxieties like farces
for normal people to snicker at
but still i strain to be spicker
i strain to be spanner
i strain to be slimmer and smoother and smarter
and i will rub the soap into my skin until it bleeds if it will make me clean
and i will stumble out of bed to shut the open drawer if it means i can
finally
get some sleep
summer
summer
i thought the city lights would
wrap their beaming arms around me
in a warm embrace of smog that could
smother my loneliness
i thought i would
never be lonely again
to look out upon the vast
vastness
of philadelphia
against a black sky
to be surrounded by the sounds of
screeches and honks in the night
i thought the noise and the
body heat of strangers in the subway could
fill for a little while
the empty parts inside me
i thought the lights would
save me
but they only leave me lonelier
lost and
swallowed up by the sweating crowds
of downtown
bright loud
summer
—
