Mr. Chip’s Gift by Gina Conn

Gary was proud to be the most disciplined and respected chip factory worker in all the land, and this land consisted of the first floor of the chip factory. His main job requirement was a duty that gave him much pride. It was to ensure that the proper quantity of potatoes enter the elegant and eager mouth of a powerful crushing machine. He would watch those plump potatoes enter the machine with pleasure, each potato entering with such grace that it would bring tears to his eyes. Before this job he would mope around town, dragging his feet that he just didn’t have the will to wash. Why wash feet that are only dragging through streets of shame, he would often tell his son upon his son’s arrogant request that his father bathe.

But now he walked around town, puffed up with pride, so much so, that even his true love, the cashier at the local convenience store couldn’t help but be drawn to his strong aura. While they would enjoy their occasional romp at the local hotel, she would often tell him that his pride evoked such emotions in her that he became irresistible. And, that perhaps it would not be considered cheating if anyone knew how the feelings that he invoked out of her once closed heart. Some say that her heart is like a sealed bag of chips that only Gary could open. This life that any folk would be quite envious of came to a tragic halt one grave April morning. A grim error had occurred. Gary had stayed up late seeing his love, and then returning home to a nagging problem: an inconsolable wife. He promptly and properly beat her to near unconsciousness, and then lovingly nursed her back to a normal state. Because of this unnecessary distraction, he failed to do his most honorable duty: order the proper quantity of chips. He sheepishly observed the last potato enter the crusher that infamous morning, as a wave of panic swelled his mind and body. There was only one realistic solution to his tragic problem, which arose from the personal failure of Gary. He was not too proud to admit this fatal flaw, and that is quite commendable, no one can argue that. He watched the crusher desperately searching for the next potato and knew immediately what he must do. Gary’s eyes swelled with tears and he slowly nodded his head. “It must be done,“ he whispered. “It must.“ He placed his company hat softly on the floor and fearlessly threw his body into the machine. The machine embraced him lovingly by destroying his skin and bones and mashing it into a fine creamy substance.

May we all learn a lesson from the selfless Gary and this heroic tale that will surely make the pages of all respectable history books, and be uttered among the tongues of the wise for decades to come. He sacrificed his life for the chip factory. And for several weeks, there was a little bit of Gary in every chip. If only it were possible to absorb a bit of his pride through consuming those particular chips, the world would be a better place. Legend says, that those lucky few who did purchase the chips that were blessed with the body of Gary, became some of society’s finest upstanding citizens. I for one, can only hope I was one of those few.

About the author:

After losing her prestigious job at the Pringles factory, the now 28
year old Gina Conn was forced to move to Bed Stuy, Brooklyn. She holds
down a job in television production while also contributing to several
magazines. She has been spitting out bizarre stories since birth, and
when she is not writing she is drawing just as whacked out cartoons.