I’ve seen a lot of horrible things. Since I was a child, I witnessed things as well as experienced them. I like to forget, but I can’t. Those memories will always be there, waiting for me to find them again, and these days, I just don’t want to be bothered. But I seem to be fighting now every single day.
Take yesterday for example. I left work a bit early, and maybe I stopped too soon at that STOP sign. I nearly collided with the other car that also stopped briefly at their STOP sign, but then she backed off. I got onto the Palisades Parkway only to race against a light green car that seemed eager in merging in the spot that I was in. Finally, they moved up ahead and then got into the right lane, and I thought that was that until I reached the infamous traffic circle between the Palisades and Route 6. Then, I went toe to toe with a black SUV, who nearly went into the opposite traffic lane, just to cut me off. Maybe, that was it, but no, some lady tried to squeeze her car against mine at the other merger point, so she could be one car ahead. She could’ve caused an accident. She was that close, but the brain in her head must’ve finally switched off auto pilot. And here I was fighting with idiots once again on the road, and I’m tired of being bothered by them. But nobody today seems to be able to drive or they just want to cut loose and go road rage.
My job sucks. I know, I know. I should be grateful to have a job, but I seem to be riding the Titanic. We’ll be merging soon, and we’re already taking on water. Somebody jumped ship, and now we’re running around like rats afraid to drown. And I got uprooted and slammed into a shadow of the one now leaving, and I’m not qualified for this job. I need to leave. It’s time. I just need to cut loose and go, but I’m trapped, afraid to drown. And I may go down with this ship, and nobody’s going to save me.
I keep asking myself one simple question. How did I get here? How did I get so lost? I took so many wrong turns in my life, and I’m sorry for that. I can lose count of all the wrong people that I let into my life, but I can barely count on two hands the right people that tried to guide and protect me. My grandmother, may she rest in peace, was my guardian angel, and she gave me a second chance at life. I blew it. I think I did, finding myself in the same damn maze again and again, and I can’t get out. This isn’t what I should be doing with my life, but what should I be doing? That’s the right question to ask, but I have no answers. I could’ve died last year, and thank God, I didn’t. But the world was revealed to me, and I’m tired of this crap.
So, what do I do? I don’t know. I’m waiting for the ship to go down. Maybe, my talent is the candle still burning. I don’t know. I have no answers. I just remember the past, the horror stories of my life that I now bury down into fiction. Read my stories, and you’ll know me, the real me. Nobody sees me for what I am. I’m still a ghost here, but I’m still here, trying to figure a way out. One thing I do know for sure is that I don’t need any more horror stories in my life. I’ve seen and experienced enough, so I hope to burn these chapters behind me for good, hopefully soon and just start over. I need to start over and start living my life.
