In the Et Life Spire, the largest building on the face of the planet, the receptionist stared at her newly painted nails, admiring the new color combination she had chosen. After 200 years of just yellow, she enjoyed the mix up. When one has the rest of eternity to look forward to, a little spontaneity breaks up the monotony, even if just for a little while.
Her quiet, uneventful day was broken up when a man, with the looks of a supermodel and the clothing of a vagrant, barged in. “Oh great,” she thought. “Another death seeker.”
“What do you mean I have to wait another 3 thousand years before I can even be reconsidered for euthanization?” he screamed, in a frenzied rage. Were it not for her indestructibility, she would have been genuinely frightened by this display instead of just quietly amused. “This is the fifth time I have applied, how can they decline me again?”
The receptionist rolled her eyes, having heard similar complaints thousands of time since she had been employed the year before. Following the procedure, she gave him the standard greeting in a dry monotone. “Welcome, sir, to the Et Life Spire, your one and only stop for life scheduling. How may I be of service to you today?”
“You can start by just killing me, that’s how you can help!”
It was always the same response from these people, every single time. Not a week went by where she didn’t hear at least five people beg for their lives to be ended. She wished that once, just once, one of these death seekers would surprise her. Perhaps one would be grateful for the extra time; that would be a welcome change of pace. Alas, she doubted that she would ever be so fortunate.
“I’m sorry, sir, but as you must know, the Panel has the final say on this matter, not me. You’re going to have to wait for reconsideration, just like all the others.”
The man looked at her with a pitiful sense of desperation in his eyes. For a second, she almost felt sorry for this one. “Please,” he begged, “I have lived for over a hundred thousand years, and I just can’t go on anymore. I’m tired, and I just want to end it all. That’s all I’m asking for.”
“If the Panel wants you alive, then you will remain alive. No ifs, ands, or buts. In the mean time, why don’t you try something new? How about gender reassignment? Or you could always join one of those new cults.” She paused, trying to recall the name of the group her friend had joined just seven decades before, when it suddenly came to her. “The Mortalists, especially, are supposed to be a fun and exciting bunch. My friend joined recently, and she just loves it. Once she starts talking about them, she can’t stop.”
The death seeker’s look of desperation and hopelessness only worsened. “I have done all those things, and more, thousands of times already. I’ve done everything there is to do; there is nothing left for me to try.”
The woman responded in a chipper tone, sensing, to her relief, that her time with this man was almost done. “Well, sir, I don’t know what else I can say. You’re going to have to wait your turn to die. But hey, try to look on the bright side. I’m sure you’ll find something to pass the time with. Better luck next time!”
The man, overcome with despair, lethargically turned to the exit and shuffled out the door, muttering, “I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, but every single time…”
As he left, the receptionist remembered to give the standard farewell. “Thank you for choosing Et Life, your only, best choice. We hope to see you again soon.” However, by the time she had uttered these words, the sliding doors had already closed behind the death seeker. “Eh, whatever, I tried,” she thought.
She could never understand these people and their desire for death’s cold embrace. They had the gift of immortality and eternal youth bestowed upon them for free, a gift unlike any other, yet they were still so ungrateful. Instead of being thankful, Et Life received more and more requests for euthanization every single day.
“The nerve of some people,” she said aloud as she returned to admiring her freshly painted fingernails.
