If someone had asked me how I would describe my life, I would answer with this. My life is like a train departing from nowhere. I would lose time going nowhere. There are moments, where I wish I could stop this crazy ride and erase what was, but I can’t. Too many dark tunnels have swallowed me whole, but now I am seeing daylight. I can’t tell where I am going, but I know that it is somewhere. And my past remains vivid in the rear view mirror of my life.
Thirty years have come and gone. I was forced to board a train away from home, and a ticket was shoved in my hand. This is where I get off, but I don’t belong here. I don’t want to be here, but if I don’t step onto the platform, I will be thrown from the safety of my seat. It is a bad habit to be standing still, but there were times, where I wanted nothing more than to be frozen. But if that was the case, the world would simply leave me behind.
I had traveled through the long, dark corridors called high school. Rocks were thrown at my window, breaking glass. Brakes were pressed, and I flew forward, bleeding a thousand tears. The engine of my heart broke down, and I drifted into nothing. For a long time, I thought my life would never escape this dark tunnel, but somehow, someway, I broke through to the next journey ahead.
As this train carried me forward, the land remained barren, dark. I had no choice but to come here. If I could, I would’ve stayed back, but such wasn’t the case. I rode a thousand miles, losing myself with each stop, and now I don’t know who I am. But then she came and saved my life, giving me a destination to head to, but the journey promised to be difficult. A second chance isn’t as easy as people think, and some of us are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that broke us down to begin with. And so was my fate.
I reached a crossroads. I found a dream waiting to be realized, and my college film project promised a better future. I had opportunities. I had direction, but he chose for me, forcing me to go where I did not want to go. For two years, I rode along the tracks to nowhere, losing myself again in Oneonta, and wondering why didn’t I make the choice myself. I could have found love here. He was waiting for me to see him standing there, but my gears were cast into self-destructive mode. I didn’t care, and I rode on in silence, passing him by, a decision I would always regret. And time moved on.
My life was a train wreck. I wanted to get off this crazy ride. I wanted to disappear, but instead, I was swallowed whole by a series of dark tunnels. The wrong choices now took me into the wrong directions, and rocks were thrown at my window, breaking glass. The brakes bled with every misery, every tragedy I endured, but somehow, someway, I still moved forward. But was there any hope for me ahead?
In 2005, I met fear head on and forced it down, back into its long, dark tunnel. My whole life was spent in fear. I didn’t want to be alone, but I made myself alone. Now, it was time to gather strength and heal my wounds, and I had to stop looking back because I was beyond the point of no return. I was still moving forward, but I found myself struggling, suffocating between a rock and a hard place. Nobody was going to stop this crazy ride. It was up to me, but it would take a few more years to realize that my life needed to change. And I wasn’t the passenger I always thought I was. I was in the driver’s seat, stuck on auto pilot.
Last year, I found myself holding the steering wheel. I looked at the land ahead, unknown territory, but it shined under sunny skies. My fingers curled together, feeling strength, and I sat upright in the seat, no longer hunched back or doomed to looking down. Anticipation tingled my heart, and dreams soared through my mind. My eyes glanced up at the rear view mirror, seeing a broken life left behind, but that was not the future of my life. That was not where my destination waited, and where it waited was where I wanted to go.
It took a long time to get here. I wanted to come here. This is where I belong in the land of dreams. I wanted to touch the portrait of this world, melt into its beauty, and be a part of its soul. I know its darkness, its pain, and I can’t make that go away. Maybe a word, a thought of mine could push it through those long, dark tunnels I endured, and maybe I could give it the strength to stop falling apart. Or maybe I can’t, but I can’t give up. That was the enemy taking the wheel of this train ride from the beginning because I gave up, and I won’t anymore. My foot is on the gas, and I am going forward. I’m going to change my life for the better. I’m going to save myself for the pen is mightier than the sword, and no more rocks will be thrown at my window. No more dark tunnels will take me down. I’m going somewhere, and I’m leaving nowhere behind.
