Words in a Motivation Seminar: The Greatest Predictor
You are the graph, I am the social norm.
I am interested in making change as much as I am
an enemy of so-called common sense. I approve of keeping our rubbish in the appropriate places.
Show people they are doing something wrong
and they will thank you or hate you. Common sense leads the sheep astray or in lockstep
with those jack-booted thugs and their greenhouse
gas emissions. Information is not enough. There are cracks in my foundation and chinks
in my armor. I see my character flaws as big
as a basketball that has no bounce. Make tangible the problems of personalized interaction
and flowers dying in the fall. Thousands of gallons
are wasted by a running toilet in three months. Visualize a swimming pool filled with dirty
diapers filled by one young’n in their babyhood.
Colleges are full of alcohol abusers and summa cum laudes. My ideas have been available
since 2009 with slightly different information
and learning outcomes. Six percent will notice no effect. Behavior changes attitudes about
energy conservation and it’s really you that’s killing
the planet. It ain’t me, babe. No No No. Twirl your hands like a traffic cop directing the
uninitiated that have no expectations. Put placards above
light switches encouraging everyone to engage in conserving behavior. Thus, there will be
a 2.6% variation in actions, +/- 3% margin of error.
I always wondered why you wore your hair that way. It speaks to your core value of frugality.
You eliminate waste. Time, money, resources,
and comfortable shoes. I want to understand your values and if deprivation motivates you.
But you are wrong about yourself, I know,
and can’t really be counted on. I have found myself ineffective in my campaigns. Don’t
let common sense be your guide, ever.
You are the social norm, I am the graph.
Gratitude
Authentic alliteration is apt to be an anomaly. Lots and lots of pies.
Only buy items off a menu that have subtext and a kicky story. The story of the food.
Updike’s Sammy, home again, home again, jiggety jig, Red Sammy’s with the monkey tied
to a stake in O’Connor’s world of hard to find good men. Smell the bakery air and take
unsanctioned naps. Take water for granted. Electricity too, and a roof
with economical shingles. 2006 was a year in which the following occurred: I saw seals face
to face, my head grew .013%, I felt slightly faster, 56 or 7 million people died- give or take.
Some from natural causes. Some from loneliness, not to mention despair or parasites. Graduates
will work for food and jerk soda for nickel tips. Start a website. Build. Lift.
Smile and flirt. There are often unannounced sales on Mondays. Hide your suit with the snappy
pants in a rack for skinny men so the portly chef you know won’t find it and purchase hope
(for a date) before you do. Step back a few steps and summarize what you see. Arrogance has
a price and a discount. Arrows arranged anywhere. There’s that alliteration
again. Somebody hit me two times. A cousin lives in one of those Phoenix suburbs made of
sandcastles and works as a landscaper without water. Rocks make good friends. They’re quiet
and smooth and believe in global warming. See the world for the first time. Deacon Jones
invented the quarterback sack and had more than you ever will even
if no one counted. My memories make the most sense in binary code as we can better distinguish
between olives and cold cuts and those times when I cried. Say thank you to someone even if
you have no reason. Just do it, swoosh™, and thank me later.
Vicious Cycle
If you are Achilles, who is Hector?
Perseus rode Pegasus in Clash of the Titans which
is to Greek mythology what megachurch barkers are to
Christianity which is to religion a fad diet which is to Atkins,
Paleo, or frogs legs. The choice is yours, but understand that your
choice will impact my calorie intake which impacts my sperm count
which impacts my wife loving me which impacts my self-worth which
impacts whether I pull the trigger. In days of yore, I would not have been
able to read unless I were privileged which would have led me to attract a buxom
gal with wide birthin’ hips and a substantial dowry of meats and cheese leading to strong finely
stocked children that would go to war against the infidels and contribute to the survival of
the fittest leading to solemn negotiations and tenuous peace treaties inevitably broken
leading to the starvation of children covered in flies and feces. Primordial ooze
evolved into bacteria which evolved into a sea slug growing legs and stepping
on to land leading to the over-consumption of our resources ending in our
species’ demise which would lead to quiet and still and vacancy. There
would only be records left behind that spoke of a warrior by name of
Achilles that started the whole damn mess and he was me.
It was my fault all along.
William Yazbec is a writer and teacher based in Madison, Wisconsin. His poetry collection, “40 Days 40 Thieves,” is forthcoming in February from Vivat Libro Press and his first novel, “Revved Up Like a Deuce” will be published in 2015. He currently teaches at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville.
